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We all know the feeling; we’re trying to go to sleep but we just can’t sleep. Annoying isn’t it? I agree. Last night I had the same issue, trying to quit smoking brings a lot of added pressure even though you’re the reason for this in the first place. Doing so is probably the best decision that I’ve ever made but still the withdrawal isn’t the most pleasant thing to go through.

I can only imagine what people with more severe addiction go through, even I already feel like punching people in the face for the least they do. Let’s just say I don’t, but it still very tempting when you have a craving for something. You get irritated surprisingly fast.

Recently I had a tumor removed, this made me open my eyes and made me quit everything that might be considered harmful for your health (Cigarettes, Alcohol, …). Smoking probably being the hardest one. This is why I’m doing this with the help of my doctor. It still took me about a month to finally get to the point of not touching a cigarette again but boy am I glad I finally did it. This for my health and if I would be to relapse, at least I tried to keep my health as it should be without all the dangerous elements that smoking or drinking brings with it.

I’ve had many failed attempts in quitting, but now I feel like I’m ready and it’s a huge weight of my shoulders. The mistake I made was tell everyone I was going to quit which never really got me to it. People would even laugh at me ‘Yeah right, you quit!?’ But now I finally did it.

For about 7 years I’ve been walking around with these little sticks in my pockets that tend to make people very ill. Only when I realized I couldn’t do it on my own I went to get help, which I believe every addict should do. The strongest thing you can do in any situation without a clear path forward is admit it and find a way to get out of it. This usually involves some kind of professional or service. That’s the first step.

Ask yourself these questions:

Why am I smoking?
What joy does smoking bring me?
What would I do with the money I’d save?

Whatever your answer to these questions are you’ll either come with a excuse (which is okay) or deeply realist that you have no reason for smoking, it doesn’t bring you any joy and you’ll probably be able to go on that well deserved holiday now because you’re saving tons on the cigarettes you’re not smoking.

I’m curious, do you smoke and if so: How many times have you tried to quit?

The rise of technology and mores specific the internet has made our lives a lot easier, that’s a fact we have to acknowledge. But it has also done other things, like take away the human interaction on many occasions. So we can look at it from two different perspectives and get an entirely different outcome but here’s my view on it.

I don’t mind that currently we live in a day and age where technology is used for various things, only do I have to admit that sometimes I can hate it as much too. I’ve noticed that social media such as Facebook, Instagram among many others can be a big breach in privacy as people still don’t really understand the consequences of what they do online. I myself prefer not to share a lot of information because I’ve always been afraid that maybe expressing my opinion on a post where I’m not ‘anonymous’ a future employer might dig it up some day and disagree and maybe even fire me.

Luckily there are things such as privacy settings but it’s still a scary thought. It’s almost inevitable to use all the technology around us, as people utilize these things to communicate all the time. If you don’t use it you can quickly start to feel like people are harder to reach, or that you’re not that up-to-date with everything. This only feeds into the addiction of your online presence. And let’s admit it, I’m guilty of that too.

Whatever your take on these things is keep in mind that it is always in your best interest not to share stuff that could be used against you. Also remember that what others post doesn’t have to mean they have the ‘perfect’ life. One of the other things about being online, is that people tend to show themselves from their best side. This resulting in you being bombarded with positive things all day which in return could make you feel worse about yourself. 

In modern day it’s normal that people tend to spend more time online, this is also why a lot of organizations, artists and politician use the internet as well. Think about targeted advertising and the recent privacy breach with Cambridge Analytica and Facebook and how it was allegedly used to influence the election of Trump in America. Even if it turns out it never happened, I still strongly believe things like this aren’t just a fairy tale but can be a realistic event.

It’s not all sunshine as you might know, but being aware of the small things online and the dangers can make the difference. I myself spend a lot of my time online reading, watching video’s and researching. But remember that human interaction is still the best way of getting things of your chest, go out with friends and don’t only talk to them online. 

What do you think?

Since I’ve received my cancer diagnosis I’m feeling very down. There’s no way in pinpointing why and that’s okay. It’s the same reason I decided to go see a psychiatrist and there is no shame in that. One of the hardest things to do is admit that you need help, and accepting that is a strength on it’s own.

To give you an example of how I noticed my ‘feeling worse than normal’; today I went out with a friend to go out in the sun and grab a drink. Even though everyone is outside enjoying themselves, all this energy had a very intense impression on me. I just couldn’t cope being in between all these people.

It’s not rare for myself to be more of an introverted personality, this is how I’ve been since I decided to live by myself. I started being more on my own without knowing me why. The goal is to find out how to deal with this and function like a normal person again. How hard it may sound.

I made an appointment, agains’t my feeling I tried to open my mind for new ways of getting out of this and I’m convinced the only way is by talking to a professional. So this is what I will do.

Why am I posting this? To show that being vulnerable is not a weakness but a strength. I thought a different thing due to being in a sales environment, it made me feel bad about myself. After realizing this is who I am I felt like there is no turning back. There’s no reason in being a though cookie if it makes you feel unhappy. And this is what I am, unhappy.

Now let’s look at the bright side, whatever is broken can be fixed. You can see events such as this as a new opportunity to develop yourself and get to know yourself even more. And this is what I will do. 

I apologies for the heavy post, but this is something that I had to get of my chest.

I have never been the brave type, this is why my life is currently filled with fears. If I’d only listen to my own advice once in a while I would probably be able to cope with them. The thing is since I left the house at 18 I tried to conquer my fears. It wasn’t the best family situation but I made the best of becoming independent at a young age. Unfortunately I didn’t get my high school degree, but in the long run it didn’t hold me back. This was because I had to conquer my fears and face my insecurities.

Everything is about perspectives, the same thing goes with fear. It’s how you see it, and only how you want to see it. Sometimes traumatic experiences can hold you back of truly seeing what you need to. This was the case for myself too, I just left school and had to get my first job without any credentials. I started looking and quickly I found job as a non-profit organisation fundraiser.

What I learned at this job was more than a degree could ever teach me. I learned how to talk to people and how to listen, these two skill would be key in my further career path. This brings me to the first fear: social anxiety. This job thought me to cold-approach people and actually make a connection with them in a short time. I had my ups and downs during this periods but the most important part is that I learned to get over a certain fear by ‘just doing it’. Sounds easy right?

If only this was applicable to irrational fears, such as the fear for disease or death. Unfortunately this isn’t the case even though that would make it a lot easier. I myself am currently experiencing this myself as I’ve had a cancer diagnosis about 4 weeks ago with emergency surgery which went very well. Meaning the tumor they’ve found has been completely removed and I should be cancer-free soon.

Waiting for certain blood levels to drop can make you feel very insecure and scared at the same time. Nights of endless thinking, days trying to keep yourself occupied to ensure you don’t go insane. For many people (including myself) this is considered mental torture.

What I’ve noticed is that since the diagnosis I became a lot more on my own, resulting in not having a place to let my emotes out. Resulting in feeling isolated and depressed. This is why in these cases it’s very important to talk to people and if that doesn’t help you might even want to consider getting professional help, in which is no shame.

This is exactly what I did and believe me when I say it relieves a lot of weight from your shoulders.

Photo by Connor McSheffrey on Unsplash